| General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice. |
Today, 02:31 AM
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| Registered User ?Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 3 | Hello everyone! I'm new to the forum so I will try and be as brief and clear as possible. I'm looking for any outside input on the situation I am facing with my current boyfriend: My bf(mid 30s) and I (late 20's) were dating for a year and living in the same city until I left for graduate school in another state. Both of us agreed we would make it work long distance (and we have succeeded very well so far) and we have already passed our 2 year mark. Before and after my move we discussed marriage, children, spirituality and I think it is safe to say we want to get married to each other someday. Our love has grown stronger and stronger each day and we get excited planning our future life together. So here is where my dilemma begins: I will be done with school in summer and then get a job wherever I can find it, he is willing to follow me, but that is mainly because he doesn't have a "real" job he would have to stay with -he works for after-school programs and is a part-time clerk. We have lived together for a few months during the summer (I was at his place with his roommates) and needless to say it was not ideal. My fears are starting to creep up as I think about what will happen in 6 months to a year. My worry is this- I want to marry him but he has no career (or idea of what his career will be) while in the meantime I'll be starting mine. So what is suppose to happen once I'm done with school and find a job?! I'm not in a rush to get married but due to past experiences I also don't want to live together if we have no concrete plans of getting married. The main issue living together is that he is still a virgin I honestly think the main reason we haven't gotten married yet is because a wedding is so darn expensive and we don't have the money for it, but the love and commitment is there! I would just appreciate some input from an outsider's POV. How do you transition from being bf/gf who don't live together to being engaged? Is my concern about him not having a career fair since I don't even have a job yet either? Ultimately, I would be the breadwinner making around 40k a year and I don't know if I feel comfortable with that kind of financial pressure in a relationship... or should I just be happy and hope our love "pays the bills" (Also, it's important to note just because he doesn't have a "career" doesn't mean he has no work ethic, he's the hardest-working person I know and never even complains after a 60 hour work week.) |
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(due to religious beliefs, which I respect) but I am not a virgin and living together over the summer became more like living with a roommate I kiss a lot. We have passionate times together but they can only go so far...before I get sexually frustrated.
? He's a great supporter, best friend, lover and spiritual companion... so why am I so nervous on where to go from here with us? |
Today, 02:42 AM
| ? #2 (permalink) |
| Forum Supporter ?Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 8,582 | How much college does he have? Is he not interested in any sort of career? Working 60 hours weeks and not complaining does show a strong work ethic. But it's hard to have a good relationship when one or both of you spend so much time working. It cuts down on your time together. A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together as a couple doing things you both enjoy to keep the passion and love in your relationship. Not having money for a big wedding is not a good reason to not get married. A couple can get married for for very little. If the idea is that you think the two of you should not get married until you both are financially stable, you both have a way to go. With the economy the way it is, he could have trouble finding a new job in some city you find your job in. The more education a person has, the easier it is to find a job these days. So he might be stuck where he is. This is a reality you both will need to look at. HOw do you transition into being engaged and living together when you have been separated for so long? You just do it. Are you getting cold feet? |
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Today, 03:24 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 3,376 | Honestly, it seems that there's a lot of red flags flying that would make me nervous. 1). Why is he "mid-thirties", still single and still a virgin? Has he had any serious relationships? Or are there things that you just haven't found out about him yet? 2). Financial/career. Just because he's a hard worker doesn't mean much. I can work my tail off trying to empty a mud-puddle with a pitchfork, and at the end of the day be all sweaty and comment on how hard I worked. But sometimes, practical considerations need to take place. What's going to happen when you two have kids? When you want to buy a house? My stbxw and I never lived together before we got married, but we spent enough time with each other that it wasn't really an issue. Of course, one of the problems you'll face is that for your bf to be able to move to wherever you get a job, he likely will need roommates because he won't make enough money to live on his own, and he may not know anyone. So your options may be for him to live with you, or continue the long distance relationship. Neither of which is ideal. C |
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Today, 11:00 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 1,856 | I missed your ages the first time I read, but I've caught it now and have read your follow up posts. I think you have some significant red flags you should address before you marry. Most people do have a career track by the time they're in their 30s. Although he may be willing to do long, hard work, it doesn't mean he has a good worth ethic. A good work ethic means also doing what you don't like because it's necessary. It means having a plan. And it doesn't mean getting let go from your job again. Something's interfering here. The virgin thing is bothering me, too. Even though you feel admiration for his religious stance, I've known examples of where this was used to mask something that a person might not want you to discover, especially when you later added that it "just never happened for him." Sexual compatibility is very important in a marriage, and to go into a marriage with no idea of whether you're sexually compatible is irresponsible in my opinion, no matter what religion says. What will you do if you marry and then discover he has no libido to speak of and only wants sex once a year? Or that he's a closet cross-dresser who was afraid you'd reject him so he never told you? Stepping back and asking myself what kind of guy you're talking about leads me to believe that he's a somewhat passive man who doesn't take responsibility for his life. He'll follow you to wherever. He won't manage his career. I envision you one day feeling like you married a child instead of a husband, but you'll have to decide if you're an alpha female who can be ok with taking most of the responsibility (and blame) for whatever happens in your relationship as the years unfold. |
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Today, 11:39 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: The Land of Bluebonnets and Armadillos Posts: 155 | Ms. Spin and I did long distance while I was in graduate school but for us we did so because she had a nice paying career track job. We cohabitated during breaks and I interned, back home, for 3 summers. We did have sex and I can?t imagine not ? I was in my 30?s at the time myself and she, ironically, late 20?s. You guys need to really discuss details of what your goals ambitions and plans are. He may be an ideal candidate for a Stay at Home Dad. Do you think he would be a good primary care giver, do you want a family? I?m also concerned about debt. You say he picked up a lot for his bachelors and you will have graduate debt. Your target salary is $40K. Do you have potential to go up on that in half a dozen years ? say the $80K ball park? If you?re much over $40K in debt (and I believe education is good debt, as opposed to consumer debt) it?s going to be tight. You both will really need to be eye-to-eye on the money. Both Ms. Spin and I had graduate debt (combined 6 figures worth) and the best thing we did was delay kids (she was 35 and 37 when we finally did), pay down as much as we could and get into a 3-bedroom starter home. We were literally living like gypsies for 5-years. Those were tough and frustrating times in which we argued a lot because (for me) it was really tough to feel so poor while working so hard and making pretty darn good money. But I tell you, 10-years of hindsight, it was the smartest thing we ever did. It allowed us to be positioned where we could swing her staying at home with the kids and granted probably the fanciest fishing boat I?ll ever get is the 20-year old canoe I got off of Craig?s List, but we?re comfortably positioned (financially) now and the sacrifices allowed us the ability to raise our family the way we wanted to ? not knocking duel incomes but that is just not what Ms. Spin wanted. Good luck. |
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Today, 01:22 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Run over @ corner of Happy & Healthy Posts: 2,327 | You two have:
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BF cum fiance:
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You:
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KathyBatesel makes an EXCELLENT point about his lack of sexual history as PBear does about his work ethic. My take on all this, for what it's worth (56yo), your BF is AFRAID to grow up. He's AFRAID to be an adult. It makes him uncomfortable.
He seems incredibly passive, and you WILL eventually resent feeling like the only ADULT. YOU'LL make the money, YOU'LL make the important decisions (he'll agree to them all...he's passive), YOU'LL feel the pressures, YOU'LL feel like you're pulling the ENTIRE LOAD yourself: financially, emotionally, logistically. I totally agree with: Quote:
PLEASE think SERIOUSLY about letting go of this relationship now! Better sooner than later. Better now than with children involved.
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